The greatest wedding of all time...

...Will be mine. Here is how I envision it. First, weddings are many things. Beautiful, romantic, inspiring. One adjective you did not see on there is...kick-ass. How many of you have been to a wedding that truly kicks ass. We're talking, "What in the name of Judas Rockin' Priest is going on here?" kind of kickass. That all changes with my wedding. Here's how:

1. The twin-guitar harmony (think Thin Lizzy or Iron Maiden) arrangement of Mendelsson(sorry about the spelling)'s wedding march. Here's the instrumentation. Three guitars (all white flying-V's), a bass and two drummers. One of the guitar players will be wearing a top-hat a la Slash from Guns N' Roses. The first two guitars will cover the melody in aforementioned twin-guitar style. In thirds, of course. The third guitar will be in Dropped D tuning, and shall cover the basic chord progression. The two drummers and bassist will keep a tight, regimented, military style gallop-shuffle over which the harmonies shall blare.
2. The priest? Alice Cooper.
3. During the service, we will have dry ice, lasers and fireworks. Serious pyrotechnics going on here. Don't worry about the safety thing. The wedding will take place in Madison Square Garden, so all will be good.
4. The service will begin, "We gather here today to witness the union of Jonathan, Squire of Rock and (Name of Kickass wife) under the noble eyes of the God of Rock." Vows will be, "do you, Jonathan, take (wife's name) to be your lawfully wedded, totally kickass wife?" and vice-versa for my wife's vows. Instead of wedding bands, we will have wedding band Gibson guitars.
5. For the recession, a free-jazz, post-rock freak-out with the band, with my cousin Paul doing a quivery, John Coltrane style nervous-breakdown solo. And the end, everybody smashes everything!
6. Reception? Played by The Darkness. All the guests dressed in white catsuits.
7. The wedding banner shall say, "Don't fake the funk on a nasty drunk," and will have the Air Jordan logo on it.
8. Ushers will be wearing top hats as well. Bridesmaids will have dresses that say "Show me your riffs."

that's all I can think of for now. My mom says that there's no way any future wife will go for this, and I tell her, "you don't understand, Mom, I am going to marry someone who kicks ass!"